I never was one to live with regrets. Whenever I would look back on the choices previously made, I would contend that I always did the best I could given the circumstances, my aspirations and abilities of the time and that it did not make sense to second-guess past decisions when insight was always 20/20… I just thoughts regrets were a useless and heavy load to carry and did not want to be bothered…

Yet, as I grow older, it gets more difficult to claim innocence and youth as the backbone of what could, from a different perspective, simply be called mistakes. Up until recently, if I really had to have one regret, it would have been my first marriage. And as time goes by, it always holds true and I could get curious thinking about what could have been…

More recently, the one regret that keeps on coming back to me and growing is the fact that I left the United States behind in order to move back to France. It was seven years ago and to this day, I still think that I have yet to fully adjust to this move. I do miss America so much… I miss the spirit, the kindness, the will, and the independence of the people. I miss the fact that over there, people truly believe that they have to fight for whatever they desire and that nothing will simply fall upon their plate. I miss the adventures and the craziness of living in such a wild country; I have so many memories of being stuck in the middle of a hurricane, a snowstorm, a police chase, etc.  So many scary experiences that brought me closer to death but yet made me feel so much more alive.

In France, I think I might be a little… bored. It’s hard to explain… I was relieved when I no longer felt I had to worry about what might happen to my mortgage payment if I got into an accident on my way to work ; over there, if you don’t have a salary, you simply have no money! Here, things are simpler…they are so many ways to get financial help and when I first got back, a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders as I felt that things could never get THAT bad! At the same time, as time goes by, I have to admit to myself that I did not find here what I came looking for… And a question has regularly come back in waves and sometimes lingered in my mind… What about going back?

But then it is followed by another question: where do I start? I have already once picked up my suitcase to move far far away and I managed to build a life over there. Yet my last transatlantic move kicked me to the curb so badly that it took me a few years to recover and I sometimes wonder if I could actually handle crossing that ocean yet again. And then I remember about that first visit back a couple of years ago and how amazed I was by how natural everything felt: the langage, the surroundings, the interactions… Here I cannot help but still feel a bit like an alien…

So I am trying to face my options: either this is simply the time when I start living with that feeling deep inside, that longing, that discontent, that skip in my heart beat that makes me breath a little heavier for a few seconds when I think too long about it…




One thought on “Regrets 

  1. I love the honesty in this post. There is definitely a lot to think about and a lot of risks involved. You have taken the risk before and you did well! You have the advantage of knowing what that’s like but I can understand your hesitation too. You are very much missed in the U.S. so if you ever decide to return…you should return to NC! :)

    Liked by 1 person

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