Moments

I randomly stumbled upon this post from the past written a few years back and it just warmed up my heart:

Heart wide open…

Last night I did something extremely unexpected, something I actually never even considered doing… With a little bit of insight, it seems that the catalyst might have been this active listening training that I have been attending yesterday and today. Yesterday was a bit intense and emotional and at the end of the session, we were asked to think about some kind of unfinished business that we could use for an exercise during the following session. I tend to think that I don’t have that much unfinished business out there… Over the past few years, I have been pretty mindful to say what I wanted to say, to tell the people that I cared about that I loved them, to show appreciation and admiration when I felt it, and the end result is that if I had only one day left to live, there would not be much left for me to do or say in order to go in peace.

Still last night, I started wondering about potential unfinished business in my life… What could seem obvious to an outsider was the fact that I have no contact with my ex-husband of 10 years and that I also stopped talking to his father who has probably always been more of a father to me than my very own father. Him and I kept in touch for a couple of years after G and I stopped talking but when he started telling me about the pregnancy and the upcoming baby, it simply was a little more than I could handle so I just stopped calling. I thought many times about calling him but I was so scared that something might have happened to him that I simply could never bring myself to do it…

And last night, for the first time ever, I felt the need to call G. No agenda was coming to mind. I just felt like saying hi… I immediately decided that I was not going to think about it and that I was just going to go ahead and do it… In some ways, I felt it would be the fairer thing to do: no time for me to think about what to say and no time for him to think about it either. So I just grabbed the phone, looked up his work number online and dial… I felt very excited and a bit anxious but I just did not want to think it through… Nobody answered.

So I went back to my old email account and found his cell number… I was hoping it was still the same number. After all, almost 5 years had gone by… When I heard his voice, I am pretty sure that I could not help smiling and I actually was speechless for a second. When I said my name, he actually had me repeat it and my heart sank a little bit. You see, my marriage ended about 7 years ago and the 3 years before that were pretty hectic. So in some ways, I have been on my own for a decade and I sometimes have the thought that I made this part of my life up and that it did not truly happen. Was I really married for 10 years? If so, why don’t I have more memories of our daily routine together? Who was taking the trash out? And who was washing the floor? So I sometimes let myself wander to think that it was all a dream… And when he did not recognize my name, a part of me thought that maybe that was the proof that it was indeed nothing but a dream. But then he put it together…

At first, he was very much taken aback and I truly cannot blame him for it. So I tried to explain that there was no agenda on my part, that the idea of calling had literally just popped up in my head and that I had decided to just go with it without thinking about it. He said that he did not think that we were in talking terms… I told him that indeed we were not. But things can change from one minute to the next. He said he thought I was really angry at him and I told him that I indeed was… But “was” was the key word. When I had told him that I did not see the point in us staying in touch almost 5 years ago, I don’t think that it was so much about shutting him out than it was about protecting myself.

Finding out that he had gotten engaged and married without telling me about it had hurt me so much that I just could not stay in a relationship that was bringing me so much stress and sadness. I had spend the previous couple of years trying to find a way to forgive him and when I chose to cut the ties, I actually felt relieved because it meant that I no longer had to find a way to forgive and forget, I could simply let it all go… I did not have to question it anymore, I did not have to find an explanation, and I no longer had to try to find a way to make sense of it… I could just let it go and move on.

For many years, it felt like one of the best decisions that I had ever taken and I seriously never thought that it could possibly ever change. But I recently read the following:

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And I just felt like reaching out…

I kept talking about myself for a bit in order to give him the space to get his bearings back. And then I heard him relaxed and get into the conversation… It was wonderful. It was one of the most honest conversations I have ever had… I shared things that most people would probably keep to themselves but I like to be extremely honest and candid cause that is how I would like people to be with me: no walls, no fluff, no lies, just the bare truth, no matter how vulnerable it might leave us… I believe that is the key to real relationships.

I loved hearing about his life and I was happy to hear about his child… It felt like reconnecting with an old friend… All the anger was gone… All the resentment and bitterness had disappeared… It almost also felt like reconnecting with myself, like bringing all the pieces of who I am, who I was, and who I have ever been together… It made me feel whole and full of love.

When our conversation ended, I grabbed the phone again and called his dad, the man that I still want to call Dad… It went exactly like this:

Him (in his usual grumpy phone voice): Hello
Me: Guess who’s calling you?
Him (without skipping a beat): MAGALI!

There was no hiding the huge smile I immediately knew was on his face… And here was another wonderful conversation… It truly did feel amazing to talk to someone who had been such a huge part of my life for so many years… We spent so many Thanksgiving and Christmas together, so many evenings watching The Simpsons, the Maury Povich Show or Judge Judy while eating sushis and KFC -I will let you guess who ate what ;-) We joked instantaneously about the same jokes from the past… The complicity was back in a heartbeat… I loved hearing his voice and I was happy to listen to him talk to me about his grand-daughter. I was happy to realize that I did not feel any sadness at all but only happiness to hear about his life… Everything seemed to fall into place in the sense that I had somehow gotten over it all and only love was left…

Their family had been my family for so long and I guess this connection never goes away… You might lose touch with people but you never forget and sometimes, you never stop caring even if you don’t really know it.

So I am so happy that I listened to my heart and acted on impulse versus thinking things over. Life is about living right here right now in this moment and opening your heart wide open to what is out there as it seems to be the best way to receive…

Namaste.

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