I spent the entire day cooking by myself and surprisingly, I enjoyed it. I was trying to be in the moment, living fully each step and each movement, breathing in the different smells, looking and seeing all the details, slowly. I was trying to scan the emotions, the fears, the questions.
Maybe it was too much of a gamble. Maybe the stakes were too high. So when it started crumbling, I was pissed but I am not sure that I was surprised. Thankfully, I am pretty good at welcoming happiness these days and I found my way back even if I could still feel the boiling inside. I was looking for the mirror or choosing not to see it. I tried to climb up his hill to get a look at the view but it was not very pleasant so I left it all behind thinking I would come back later, when the need to be in the present moment would not be so great.
It did not feel right to be sitting around so many gifts and presents when I knew that less than 5 minutes away, some families were struggling with food. But I tried to be where I was.
The day after was wonderful. We wandered around the city at night, looking at the views and at the lights, taking pictures and holding each other and that was my Christmas miracle…