Was it?

I had been staying with them for a few weeks. I was sleeping right outside their bedroom. That night, I heard her pass by my bed and make her way into the bedroom. I think she didn’t close the door so well behind her, which enabled me to hear it all.

I heard him talk but it was inaudible. I heard her say “no, not tonight!”
I heard him say something again. “No, I’m tired, come on! “

Then, there were the sounds of bodies moving around on the bed mattress, the sounds of the mattress creaking for barely a couple of minutes, the sound of a mass rolling over, and then, the silence

My heart stopped
What was that? What did I just hear? What did he just do? Did he?
Whenever I think back to that moment, I can still see myself with my eyes wide open, in shock. In some ways, I think that my eyes got stuck wide open since that moment

The relationship was over. That’s what I wanted. But as I sat down into the driver seat of my car to leave, he reached out to grab my arm and pulled me out… He started kissing me… I let it happen… those are the moments when I have a hard time making myself heard: when I know it is going to hurt someone else’s feelings… so I let it happen, thinking it would stop very soon and that I could just go home.

I do not remember exactly the sequence of what happened… his hands on my body, pulling on some of my clothes… me trying to gently push him away, to make him understand that I meant it, that it was over… but I also knew how he would be embarrassed if I pushed him away too strongly… I knew he might even get mad and mean… And even if I did not want for this relationship to continue, I was not ready to lose all of him… But I was not expecting what happened next: he totally took me by surprise… it hurt and I screamed… he whispered in my ear, telling me it was ok… Was it?

I was in shock… I let it happen… I never talked to him or anyone else about it but when I think about the moments afterwards, I can remember his demeanour and the way he looked at me and I know that he knew that he had gone too far… We never talked about it… And now, we do not even talk anymore… And I never brought it up because I already knew all the excuses he would have come up with… He never did either… And sometimes, I don’t know for sure what it is that happened that night… In many ways, I think I don’t want to know.

Yet, sometimes, I wonder: was it?

To those readers who know me personally, I thank you in advance for keeping any thoughts or comments you may have about this post to yourself.


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