About 3 months ago I went to see some kind of Chinese energy practitioner. Soon after I first sat down, he said that he could feel some intense fatigue coming from me. I told him that it possibly was more about emotional than physical fatigue since I really had not been that tired lately. He told me that I needed to eat more so that I could replenish my energy. He then started working on me for probably about an hour. In the middle of the session, he asked me if somebody had died five years ago. He felt that I hadn’t fully recovered from a death. But I told him that the only significant loss I had suffered in my life had happened in 1992. I told him that five years ago, I left the US and that maybe it was more of a symbolic death than an actual one but he said that that was not the answer. He also said that something happened about 10 years ago that was profound and in some ways cut my roots and my ability to be myself. I told him about the divorce but then again he said that that was not it.
He asked me if I had ever seen some kind of healer or medium who could have possibly transferred a death to me but I told him that I had not. He asked about a potential miscarriage or a lost child. He was perplexed.
Afterwards, he said that something happened to me that made me feel like I didn’t have a right to exist and that I wasn’t allowing myself to be. He said that I needed to find myself again. I told him that everything he was saying was ringing true, that I tend to always put myself last and take care of everybody else but me; that I had felt fragile for a good year and a half, without desire, without dreams, without goals, and without energy; that I did not know how to move forward because there was nothing that I was longing for.
He said that we needed to fix the flow of energy in my body so that I could start living again. He said that there was really nothing for me to do and that change would progressively take place within a couple of weeks. He said that I just needed to take care of myself: to eat well, to go shopping, to put myself first and to follow my desires. He said that if anybody wanted to unload their sad story, I should just tell them to go to hell and walk away. He said that I should just stop thinking and enjoy life: sit down in the sun and read a book, buy a dress, go to the spa, be lazy, and just live in the moment.
In so many ways, this reminded me of what we had been talking about in therapy: about me being too compassionate that I would forget to put myself first; that too many of my relationships were based on negative experiences and that I needed to connect with people in more positive ways; that I needed to be self-centered for a bit and let everyone else handle their own problems.
It also reminded me of my New Year’s resolutions:
- To have fun
- To eat well
- To take care of myself and put myself first
- To exercice
- To focus on happiness and positive people and energy
So I figured, let’s keep on going back to those resolutions: 2015 was going to be the year for me, the year of ME! This was the year where I was going to let everyone else handle their own problems, where I was going to walk away from anyone who would want to suck out my energy, where I would put myself first and believe in myself, in my dreams, and in my ability to bring happiness to myself, and to simply be happy and get everything I deserved.
I went back to see him about 6 weeks later. I had been taking care of myself, focusing on me and trying not to let anybody bring too much negative energy into my life, going shopping and just indulging myself. Yet, at the end of the session, he said that it was still as if I was living on top of a cemetery. He was very perplexed and said that I still needed to focus on me and nurture myself.
I started thinking that maybe it meant that I was about to die or that death was looming somewhere around. And then I started thinking that maybe I did not have that strong of a desire to live anyway. I mean, I think each day could be the one last and I think I am mostly ok with it. Maybe death could be a good thing and I am definitely not scared of it. Still, it was quite troublesome…
But then I went away for a weekend of Non-Violent Communication and I think that is when things started shifting: dreams and desires started to flow again, joy and happiness and gratefulness were making their way to my heart… I started taking actions, writing plans, etc.
And then I went to see him again last night. I was a little apprehensive: the last time I had gone, I thought that I was doing better but it turned out that I was wrong so what was he going to say this time. As I was laying on his table, I tried to meditate and relax… It was nice… I always find it nice to feel a human touch on my body and the acupressure points he was using were so gentle. At one point, he held my hand for a while and it took me a while to notice that he had let it go: I kept on feeling him holding my fingers while both his hands were actually on my head.
At the end of the session, he said that I had indeed started taking a turn for the better; that he could tell that I was reclaiming myself; that the events that had previously stopped the energy from circulating throughout my body were fading away. He talked about how something had been keeping me down but that it was obvious that I was reemerging again and that I was getting stronger. We talked about how events sometimes push us to no longer listen to our instincts and to start following outside influences or expectations. Turns out I was right in my earlier interpretation of what had happen: 10 years ago, I lost a lot of faith in people and 5 years ago, I lost a whole lot of myself. And it is hard work to reclaim myself and ignore everybody else’s opinions but I can feel like I am falling in love with myself again and that deep inside, I have the very same dreams and aspirations that I had in my early 20s; but this time, I really hope I am going to find a way to make it all happen my way.