Dear parents…

I have always wanted to have a child… Well actually, I wanted four… In my dreams, two would have biologically been mine and then I wanted to adopt a little boy from Africa because I think black skin is so beautiful and a little girl from China because I think asian girls are so beautiful and well, you know what they used to do to baby girls in China and other countries… On top of it, I figured that would ensure that my kids could not possibly be racist in such a beautiful melting pot so it could only be a win-win situation…

When I met my ex-husband at the age of 24, I asked him to promise me that we would have a child (well you know, try to have a child) in the year 2000 because I figured it would be an awesome year to be born… He said yes but turns out he was not so good at keeping promises…

And then, this and that happened and lately, I actually do not want a child anymore… And this is actually keeping me up at night right now… It kind of happened about 2 months ago… After finding myself single again, I decided that if I really wanted to have a child, I had to stop thinking that someone else would make that happen for me and make it happen for myself… I don’t think that I was ever able to rely much on others throughout my life so why put this one dream of mine into someone else’s hands… I started thinking very seriously about going to Belgium or Spain to get artificially inseminated and have my very own baby (it is not legal in France for single women to get inseminated). But when I started thinking about the ramifications of that choice on my life, it was overwhelming: how was I going to be able to go running if I was a single mother? How about midnight feedings, diaper changes, and all those things that seem to be required in the middle of the night? How was I going to be able to carry my groceries and my baby? It seemed impossible…

But mostly, I started hearing all the parents around me and how a lot of what they do is complain about their child or children… About how they did not sleep well last night because somebody woke up, was sick, had diarrhea, threw up, wanted to play, bla bla bla bla bla… Don’t get me started on the ones who constantly use their offspring as an excuse for not being able to have a phone conversation or even just call once every blue moon, who expect you to be the one who always come for a visit as if it was simply impossible for them to make their way to you, etc. Yes I know that having kids is time consuming and for some reasons, some parents have also implied that I should feel sooooo lucky to be all alone on my own all the time… I am going to stop here cause it drives me mad just thinking about it…

But dear parents, know that all of your ranting and complaining has had that one effect on me: I do not want kids anymore… I have heard you all and it seems that you consider becoming a parent like a big drag and it also sounds like you don’t really enjoy it… Message heard…

Sarcasm aside, I feel very upset that all those parents that I encounter make me want NOT to have a child while I somewhere deep inside still believe that it must be such a gift to bring a little innocent human being into this world and have the opportunity to raise him or her to become a loving, compassionate, caring, happy adult…

So maybe I need to focus on the ones around me who can actually handle with gracefulness what I hope I still believe is a wonderful adventure… After all, I have never heard my dearest and closest friend ever complain about raising her 10-year old alone after his dad left while she was 3 months pregnant… And I have met people who are able to successfully juggle being a parent and being a friend… Yes it does take time and effort but does not everything that is precious take some dedication?

So maybe from now on, I will simply avoid the ones who bring too much negativity to the table and focus on the ones who are making me want to hope a little bit longer…

Years ago, when I was a preschool teacher, I also went through this period where I no longer wanted to be a parent… When you spend your days taking care of others’ children, it sadly does not make you want to go home to care for a couple more. And then this little boy with the most kissable cheeks and the sweetest hugs walked into my classroom and made me long to be a mother again… Right now, I think I need to spend some time with someone just like him…

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