I originally wanted to title this post “lies or secrets?” but things have been evolving a lot in my life these days so the new title was more appropriate, at least for right now.
Over the past couple of weeks, I have not felt like sharing much; or at least not as much as I usually do. I tend to talk about all the little and big things that are going on in my life to everyone; but all of a sudden, I just wanted to keep things to myself. I did not want to hear the “sooooo…?” or the “alors….?” and I did not want to feel like I had to give an account of my life on a daily basis. And mostly, I realized that talking about some things make them really real; and sometimes, keeping quiet about this or that is a nice way to savor and enjoy that moment just a little bit longer, through the lingering images, smells, and sensations that are still all around. Because once you talk about something, you make it a part of your story in the eyes of everyone and lately, I just did not feel like it. I simply wanted to keep it all to myself.
Still, I felt a little guilty. I am a really bad liar (probably by lack of practice) so when I want to keep things to myself, I feel like I need to hide them which sometimes results in little lies… But is it really a lie? Should it not be ok for me to want to keep secrets? I mean, it is so nice to have a little garden hidden from everyone’s judgment, opinion, or even just feedback. In a way, it makes me feel closer to myself and it makes me feel free to test the limits because I simply will not have to deal with somebody laying his or her eyes on it.
At the same time, I believe there is an undeniable power in full disclosure. I believe that if everyone shared or talked freely about their not-so-mainstream personal kinks, choices, or lifestyle, it would lead the world to being more open-minded.
Years ago, back in the mid 90s, a friend of mine was telling me that she would often try to place in the conversation the fact that her twin sister was gay. She figured that by doing so, people who might be reticent towards gay people and/or might not know any, would realize that they do also come from kind, sweet, and “normal” families. In a way, it was an attempt to get them to be a bit more blasé about it all. We are more sensitive to situations that are unknown or unexpected but once we have experienced them, it gets easier to simply be accepting and unphased.
And maybe that is why we should all choose full disclosure: by sharing our darker secrets or thoughts, our not-so-typical dreams or ambitions, we are bringing them into the light and are simply making them a little lighter. Years ago, when I started sharing my story about meeting a man who lied to me about being married, I was amazed by the number of people who had lived through a similar story… All of the sudden, because I had open the little door, many seemed willing to talk about their own secrets… And then it is just about people sharing similar life experiences and there is nothing sad, dark, or embarrassing about that.
At the same time, another friend of mine who was young and newlywed, simply could not believe that people would cheat on their spouses and that if they did so, there must have been some kind of “good reason.” Furthermore, she would emphasize that she knew no one who had either been cheated on or who had cheated, which validated her belief that it only happened to people with a “questionable” lifestyle and not to “normal” people. Years later, while spending some time with some of her family members, one of them confided in me that during her marriage (that had ended by the time we had met), she had cheated on her then-husband a few times but that she had never told any of the members of her family because she did not think that they would be understanding and accepting… So here you have it: if you are not open-minded about things, people will not share their stories with you…
This all being said, I am still searching for the frontier between secret, lies, and full disclosure… And the only answer that comes to mind right now is that whether I will choose to share or keep it to myself might not so much depend on me, it might mostly depend on you. And when Beca came over yesterday, and told me that she would share with me because she knew that I would not judge her, that was the best compliment ever… ;-D
I do believe that none of us are perfect and that, in the end, we are all longing for acceptance and connection. So why not try to simply listen without judgement and be accepting of all others…
Oh and by the way, I just changed the title again! :)