Believe…

Things have happened lately that have led me to think that I never want to move back to the States… Some of my friends were surprised to hear that. Actually, even I was surprised to realize that. I do miss America very much but still… it is not because you miss something that you necessarily want it back. Sometimes, you just have to make healthier choices and I think that it is much better for my overall emotional well-being to be in France, even if some things could still need to be worked on…

I really enjoy being close to my family and having them to rely on when things get tough… In the States, I had to do everything on my own and that includes some pretty emotionally and physically draining stuff such as move from one state to the other: I once returned from a trip to France to immediately take a bus and a taxi to go straight to a truck rental place; I loaded the truck all by myself the day after -and there were stairs and a bed involved- and then moved to a new area where I did not know anyone! I bought an apartment without much support, repainted it entirely over a full month period and I also managed to go through the just-as-stressful selling process on my own. I made it through a divorce without a shoulder to cry on and through some stressful health issues. It is all very exhausting and will leave you empty on so many levels.

The most difficult move though would have had to be the transatlantic one: I had to let go of most of my belongings, my lovely couch where I took so many wonderful naps, my motorcycle and my car, so many of my CDs, books, paintings, and other little precious items… To this day, there are still times when I miss something that was once mine (especially having a washing machine, dryer, and dish washer!). And last but not least, I had to leave behind so many very close friends… In a way, wheresoever I will be, I will be far from someone dear… And maybe that’s why today, it feels that I could never cross that ocean again. Because it takes so long to truly let go and move on, probably more so when you are on your own and there is no one around that can truly relate to what you are going through.

But things are what they are, and as I recently read on my friend’s blog, “there are no bad things that happen in life. Even though the events that dominate our lives at the moment may not be good, good things can result from these events in our lives and it’s up to us to recognize the good things that happen.” And I can think of a few things that did not seem or feel good when they happened but turned out to be blessings in disguise.

Sometimes you just have to keep moving forward and not let fears or uncertainty tie you down or make you crawl back into your cave. Life is about all those little leaps of faith that, if nothing else, will leave you relieved to know that you did try to make it work, that you did indeed speak up your mind and made yourself heard, that you were willing to make yourself vulnerable and take risks because in life and in love, you get out of it what you put in…

So even though I wish I did not have to go through some of that stuff, I truly do believe that in the end, it was all good and that it is all taking me on the right path to where I am meant to be. I pull out my gratitude journal and I can see that there are a lot of happy things going on in this moment… And when you keep your heart open and stay optimistic, opportunities arise and even unexpected wonderful encounters that leave you with a little more joy and clarity.

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